A Series of Exploratory Rants: II

Rather than just embed the post from Tumblr I decided to re-post the actual chapter part here. This will all look less messy when I get on to new chapters/get the hang of WordPress

Chapter Two
‘Saturday, May 14, 2011. ANASTASIA ROSE STEELE. DOB-’

Oh, hold on a minute. I wasn’t wrong, the pathetic cliff hanger at the end of chapter one WAS painfully obvious and Christian HAS gone and called a PI to find out everything and anything he can find out about Ana, including the contents of her bank account. What a nice, normal stalk…man. Ahem.

The chapter opens with Christian pouring over this sheet over paper with every detail ever about the ‘enigmatic Miss Anastasia Rose Steele’. Dude, I don’t know if you know yet what happens in the end of the 50 Shades series but I do and Ana is not enigmatic. She is one dimensional and a loose cannon at best and there is absolutely nothing enigmatic about her except perhaps her complete lack of working knowledge about anything in the world.

We then discover he’s sitting in the carpark outside the hardware store Ana works in and has somehow managed to not accidentally impale someone with a hammer or an ice pick because Ana ‘whoops, so clumsy, fumbles everything and is just so damn awkward’ Steele is just that sort of enigma. Oh yes. So Christian walks in and decides he’s gonna ‘stock up’ on some Velcro and split rings and ‘have some fun’ with the ‘delectable’ Ana. Again, dude, you’re really proving your arrogant statement about how you are a good judge of character (see part one!) completely wrong with every single word you utter (albeit to yourself).

He’s walking around the hardware store thinking he’ll feel better about wanting to pursue her so intently if he gets to ‘fetter, fuck and flog her’. Ah yes, because ALL members of the BDSM community are driven by a need to inflict sexual pain on every girl they meet to get it out of their systems – oh, no, wait. That’d be sadists. Of which you are one, Christian.

insert pathetic description of Ana’s body/clothing here insert a few more condescending mental addresses where he calls her ‘baby’ and ‘sweetheart’ here insert a few imagined scenarios involving Ana bound in cable ties here and we’ve got about three pages, indicating that the remaining 95% of the book I am going to be reading is going to be basically like reading the thoughts of a particularly dim 16 year old boy. Excellent. The chapter continues with Ana leading Christian around the store, collecting various items which Christian is hoping Ana will guess are meant for some sort of sexually deviant behaviour, but Ana, in all her enigmatic eloquence, assumes he needs the items for redecorating. Christian thinks Ana is innocent. I think they are both dumb. So dumb, I cannot fathom how Ana has worked in this hardware store for four years and not accidentally sliced off a finger or seven with the utility knife she apparently keeps in her pocket.

Apparently, Ana acting like a tomato is endearing as hell to Mr. Grey. In the same, irritating fashion in which Ana kept mentally uttering ‘oh my!’ to herself/out loud, Christian repeatedly groans inwardly every time Ana flushes a shade of red, leading me to believe this book should’ve more aptly been named Fifty Shades Of Red (before being used as kindling). The easiest thing about reading this is that the story is already familiar, except Christian is an even bigger prickend than he was depicted in 50 Shades and Ana is even more of a bumbling idiot. Alas, the arrival of one of Ana’s friends – yes, friends – sparks unwarranted jealousy in our already-far-too-involved -please-go-away-now protagonist who completely overreacts, assumes the guy is her boyfriend and passes off the reaction as ‘primal’.

Ah, here.

There is nothing ‘primal’ about being a possessive asshole. Absolutely nothing. She is not your girlfriend. She is a girl that fell into your office, asked you terrible questions that offended you greatly and were poorly executed. It’s you that decided to stalk her at her place of work. You complete eejit.

There’s a terrible exchange where he’s paying for his items and he seems to think he possesses mind control and mentally demands her to look at him so he can ‘gauge what she’s thinking’. He gives her his number so that convenient photoshoot can happen and then waits around for 5 hours, pining, dying, aching for her to call and makes a few more references to things being grey – WE GET IT, JAMES, HA HA PUNNY pls stop thx – and eventually she calls and he mentally sexualises again even though she appears to be the most innocent person to have ever existed since the Virgin Mary herself. Christian doubts his ability to ‘close this deal’, ie, get Ana into his playroom and BAM! end of chapter.

This is exhausting.

Hopefully chapter 1 will have uploaded by morning (it’s currently at 6%), and chapter 3 will be on it’s way soon! Until then, say it with me: UGHHHHHHH.

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