A Series of Exploratory Rants: III

All previous/future chapters can be found under the Grey tag

I needed a nap and a half to recover from the last chapter. I am seriously questioning my ability to get through this whole thing. We left off with Christian questioning his innate ability to be able to torture-bang any woman he set eyes on and continue with Sunday, May 15, 2011. Christian is still wondering if it would be completely outlandishly ridiculous for him to ask Ana out on a date instead of just kidnapping her and taking her to his playroom. Don’t be ridiculous, Christian – chivalry is dead, interrogate her to find out all the things you’ve already had your PI find out about her – but maybe she can tell you the name of the goldfish she had when she was five or the number of times she pees in a day. Aggressively throw rocks at her window and shout at her until she agrees to be your possession.

Christian tucks his shirt into his grey (FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST) pants. I had to remind myself that although James is English, she wrote this in American slang and that stopped me from laughing mirthlessly at the image of Christian tucking a shirt inside a pair of grey boxers and skipping merrily out the door. I still can’t shake the image of the stereotypical nerd-tucks-tshirt-inside-belted-trousers I now have of Christian and suddenly he’s not only dim, he’s also woefully unattractive and now only has money going for him. (Which is of course, a terrible reason to find anyone attractive.) He goes to the shoot about as eager as a child waiting to meet Santa and there’s a series of descriptions of Ana blushing every time Christian breathes. Man, this book sucks.

The photographer shows up and Primal Christian rears its ugly head again. Dude, if you have to ask ‘are they fucking?!!?!?!?!?!’ about EVERY guy you encounter that seems to know Ana BEFORE you’re even dating (sorry, ‘flogging’) her, you NEED to see someone. Seriously. Christian starts analyzing every poor motor skill Ana has and decides she’s a ‘natural submissive’ and goes in for the kill- I mean, closes the deal- I mean, asks her on a date. Sort of. He ask her to coffee and she dithers about as though he’s asked her to give him all the blood from her left baby toe. In a manner similar to a dog that chases a car and catches up to it, Christian has no idea what to do now that he’s ‘sealed the deal’ (I forgot he’s a Big Business Man and everything he does must be Massively Important Business lest you forget he is a Massively Controlling and Self Important Prick). He debates about asking her to ‘be his submissive’ cause again, that’s how the BDSM community works. They send a rich dude out to recruit people in the same way they recruit Abercrombie and Fitch staff members. Ana takes 5 seconds too long to come to heel- I mean, get ready to join him for coffee and Christian assumes she’s gone off with Jose for a cheeky kiss goodbye. No way, Jose. Every boy she knows is not a direct threat. The only threat is you, Christian. You are an arse and a half. He seems to delight in the fact that Ana cannot talk to him or be seen around him without flushing to the point of practically becoming a traffic light. She also stutters and stammers around him which was probably once seen to be a sign of being attracted to someone, but if you cannot relax and be comfortable around someone you are attracted to then RUN, RUN AWAY. You are already unequal and knowingly or unknowingly, they will use the fact you feel inferior against you in some form or other.


Christian already draws attention to the fact that Ana doesn’t eat anything. Mate, it’s gonna be like this for the next 3 books you might wanna get used to the fact that Ana eats air and maybe yoghurt and also masses and masses of insecurity for three meals a day. (This is not to say that anyone who has a problem with food is wrong or not ill; what I mean is that nowhere in the 50 Shades books did it address Ana’s lack of ability to eat anything at all as being anything serious or problematic. It just seemed to be an oversight. Or perhaps James saw it as unladylike for Ana to eat in front of Christian, what with him being such a gentleman and all.)

Ana: ‘I like my tea weak and black’


Christian: ‘You seem nervous around men.’





and then have the AUDACITY to tell her ‘she seems nervous’ sdofjsdfkhsdgkshdgosdhg get in the bin. The main redemption of this chapter is Ana truthfully explaining that there is ‘nothing mysterious about me.’ Thank you Ana, had you said that from the get go there may have not needed to be three books detailing your vapid existence and this fourth one detailing the dim thoughts of a controlling psychopath who wants your sycophantic attention and will stalk you to get it. Alas, Christian thinks she’s being modest. Christian dear, if you could’ve read the books you would know that there is no such thing as modesty. She is a tomato-faced empty shell posing as a functioning human with a 4.0 and a job she’s managed to hold down without being held responsible for accidental manslaughter.

..Moving on. Oh, here we are. Christian probably isn’t even his real name. The mummy issues are abound. He asks her questions about herself that he already knows the answers to. Okay, being realistic, if he’d just stalked her facebook account or something that would be fine, just fine, but I fail to see how knowing how much money she has in her account and the EXACT whereabouts of her parents was supposed to be a romantic gesture or him reaching out to get to know her. Why are you like this, Christian? Why must you be this way? WHY???

He finds out her mother is an ‘incurable romantic’. Oh the heartache – he hath no heart, how doth he bring himself to ruineth her lifeth like some sort of billionaire Romeo, destined for tragedy? Please get over yourself mate. So you like inflicting pain for sexual pleasure. It DOES NOT EQUAL mental illness. There is no correlation. You are an IDIOT. Perhaps your childhood experiences might explain your lack of ability to let people in but don’t pretend there’s a link between sexual pain enjoyment and a shitty childhood because let me tell you – there DEFINITELY isn’t, you complete imbecile.

And – oh for God’s sake. The infamous replication of the Twilight scene where Bella almost gets hit by a car and Edward jumps to save her happens. Christian is a whirlwind of tensing biceps and action hero hair flicks as he jumps into action, anxious to save her from A BICYCLE.

I just.


But this lines up the setting perfectly for him to actually run his stalkery hands all over her face and smell her hair and generally be really creepy but not actually KISS her because WHAT could you POSSIBLY be thinking Ana, he’s ‘not the man for you’. Just because he stalked you and invaded your privacy and forced you to go for coffee and spent three chapters pining, hoping you’d like him back does not mean you should ACTUALLY be interested in him. Are you insane?!

Anyway, she disappears into the sunset smelling of an orchard or some shit and Christian is all, will I ever see her again? … Of course you will, moron, go get your helicopter, you can circle around her house repeatedly for a few days and break in and steal her underwear or something equally ridiculous. I hate this book and I HATE YOU, CHRISTIAN.

Next chapter. I think the chapter after this one will be another video. And after that I think it’ll be written reviews until I get to a particularly unsexy chapter. Ugh.

Edit: The video never happened because I am a human sloth…but maybe soon, if anyone is interested?


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