A Series of Exploratory Rants: VI

AKA: THE LONGEST CHAPTER THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED, EVER. NO ONE TOLD JAMES HOW TO CHAPTER. SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH HER HOW TO CHAPTER.

I got a surprise day off and need something to do that isn’t watching hurling. I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of Kindle in that even if I don’t have my kindle with me, I can still read it anywhere. I resisted the technology hugely – what good is a book that runs out of battery?! –  but it DOES have its upsides.

Anyway.

Saturday, May 21st, 2011. The day Christian creeped me out for good. There is nothing endearing about this man aside from his many millions. Rather than letting poor, unconscious and extremely inebriated Ana have his bed or depositing her in another hotel room which he can presumably afford, oh no! Instead, despite him staying in a suite with a sofa and a perfectly good floor – Christian gets into bed beside her. So many things wrong with this. SO. MANY. I can’t even begin to describe all the things wrong with him getting into bed beside her. Grey helpfully describes it for me by describing how confused and distressed Ana is when she wakes up, unsure of how she came to be in Christian’s hotel room and unsure of whether they had had sex or not. Yeah, cause that’s fair, Christian. And your reasoning for letting her stew in her own doubt – seeing as she doesn’t know you well enough to fully trust you, and not to mention the fact that you’ve had a PI stalk her the last few weeks as well as stalking her yourself – is simply that you didn’t want her to ruin the upholstery in your car. The car you could probably literally discard and buy 500,000 times over. Yes. Good.

Let me rewind a few pages, back before Ana woke up and wondered if she’d been essentially raped. Christian gets into bed beside her and spends a few pages staring at her sleeping and watching her breathing and existing and generally doing all the human things people do when they sleep. Her tshirt rises up and he basically faints over the arousing sight of her bellybutton.

C: ‘I have to get out of here before I do something I regret.’

I hear you’re a rapist now, Christian?

But he resists giving in to her literally unconscious womanly wiles, and leaving her with the gift of Advil and orange juice (Cause orange juice is a good thing to drink on an empty stomach after being sick. The acid in that doesn’t make one want to vomit again. At all. Definitely not.) he instead goes out to run off his desires or whatever.  Upon his return, the clothes he guessed the sizes of with frightening accuracy have appeared in his room and he orders room service for Ana. He is inexplicably stricken with guilt at the thought of wasting food, yet goes ahead and orders the entire menu ‘in a rare moment of indulgence’. That explains it – he’s rich because he spends money on cars and not food. As Ana doesn’t eat but not for any apparent psychological reason other than James forgot to have her eat things, they’re essentially a match made in literary (ha) heaven.

Anyway.

‘Time to wake the delectable Miss Steele.’ Reading this book is making my skin crawl. He’s like a sleazy gross vampire without the glamour and the blood. So basically, he’s just a sleazy gross man. Who says things like that?! Who looks at someone they’re attracted to and mentally calls them delectable and INSISTS on using their surname? WHY. WHY.

C: ‘She pales as i saunter into the room’

You walk so cool Christian.

C: ‘Keep it casual, Grey. You don’t want to be charged with kidnapping.’

Feeling guilty for kidnapping her are we?

C: ‘Christ, what sort of animal does she think I am?’

See above quotes where you left before you did something you regretted and also were turned on by her bare stomach and you have your answer, shithead.

Ana, in a rare moment of unblushing and actually useful logic, is annoyed at him for tracking her down –  something Christian is baffled by. Well yeah, how could she possibly be upset that you’re stalking her? IMAGINE IF SHE KNEW THE TRUTH. Christian is incredibly annoyed by Ana’s impossibly reasonable questioning. His temper is ‘fraying’ at her display of rationality, and he once again brings it all back to Jose. How many times, Christian – she does not want to get down with Jose. No way is she going near Jose. NO WAY. JOSE. ForGETABOUTIIIIIT.

Then this line happens – and it’s so far the most infuriating thing I’ve read. If this was my laptop I was typing on I’d have flung it across the room in distress.

‘If you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.’

NO

NOO

NNOOOOOOOO NOO NO NOOO.

Threatening abuse is not okay.

Threatening abuse is not okay.

THREATENING ABUSE IS NOT OKAY GET IN THE FUCKING BIN YOU SHIT.

He saves himself from a myriad of further faux pas by going to have a shower and ponders whether or not Ana would be a good submissive or not. Here’s the thing – save us all another 50 or so chapters – and just accept that NO, SHE WILL NOT.

God he’s an infuriating idiot. I’d love to slap him so hard his hair fell off.

Food arrives and Christian barely explains his shame at spending so much money on food. He alludes to having a difficult childhood – remember how tortured and emo he was as a teen seeking solace in literature? – and snaps at Ana for even attempting to waste the mounds and mounds of food he ordered in a moment of pure, blind stupidity. Dude, you’re aware she doesn’t eat much. There was no need to order the whole menu. You’re a narcissistic fool masquerading as a rich man. Get in the bin.

C: ‘Oh she’d be a joy to train…challenging, maddening woman’.

She is not submissive material. Say it with me, Christian.

Christian didn’t say it with me and ploughs on ahead with plans to bring her back to his home. Stupid!! He calls for his helicopter to arrive and pick them up and is entirely unimpressed by Ana asking reproachfully if he always makes demands of his staff. Isn’t that the old caveat – judge a guy not by how he treats you but how he treats waiters etc (or something to that effect)? And seeing as he treats everyone and everything woefully, Ana should be running away as fast as her little legs can carry her.

Then comes the ‘Elevator Scene’ that was probably the only thing of substance played in the movie trailer of the 50 Shades film – which yes, I did watch and yes, I did gouge my eyes out after. The Elevator Scene involves them making out for ten seconds or less but Christian ruins what could’ve been an otherwise vaguely romantic moment that would’ve tipped the novel slightly back into the erotica genre, loosening its firm grip on the blatant comedy themes threaded throughout. Instead of just kissing her, he has to hold her hands above his head so that she ‘can’t touch him’. Why Christian, does she have girl cooties? Are you famous? What the hell is wrong with you, you eejit?? He brings her back to her apartment and gets unreasonably infuriated by DudeBro hugging Ana (He’s your brother, jackass) and saying ‘laters, baby’ to Kate (who he is suddenly infatuated by because of reasons of plot simplification? To eliminate the need to write about Elliot sleeping with a different girl every chapter? Who knows). But apparently not annoyed enough because he whispers ‘laters, baby’ to Ana. Laters. Baby. My, my Christian, you just exude suave coolness.

A few pointless pages later, Jose’s background check comes in. He has been arrested for possession of marijuana and Christian starts stressing over the possibility that Jose has smoked around her. Honestly, at this stage, I’m starting to think it’s Jose he really wants, such is his unhealthy obsession with him.

I skimmed the next few pages where he threatened to ‘fuck her in time’ and impatiently waited around in her place of work for her to finish and man I hate this guy, what a horrendous creep. There were also arbitrary references to various helicopter lingo which were entirely inaccessible to the majority of 50 Shades readers as I imagine a very tiny fraction of said readers have even been in a helicopter before, much less owned one.

A: ‘You’re just so…competent.’

I’m watching Christian’s ego swell off the pages and yet I cannot fathom a less complimentary statement. If I turned to my boyfriend right now and said ‘you’re just so competent’ he’d probably have a face on him like a scolded toddler for about a week.

UPDATE: I said it to him. He told me to go suck a dick and that that was terrible, how dare I. Case and point.

Anyshit. Christian likes flying a helicopter because it’s all about control and rules help control the fun and god he’s so easily hated. He brings her into his house oh my what a big place you have here what expensive wine you have here blah blah

Then Ana asks why he sent her a first edition of Tess and he responds in the most Christian-esque fashion, as was to be expected:

‘I could hold you to some impossibly high ordeal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d’Urberville.’

Careful Christian, your absolute personality disorder is showing. This is abnormal behaviour. You are not okay.

He goes off and collects a contract and an NDA – because you can legally get someone to sign an NDA, just generally, and have it stand up in a court of law. I- I don’t have anything more to add. What even?

He instantaneously debases her for not reading his NDA and contract and immediately going to sign it. How ironic. I am incredibly bored by the length of this chapter.

C: ‘I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.’

Spoken like a true Fuckboi. If I had a euro for every time I’ve heard a LAD say that to someone or about someone or have those words associated with their person, I would be able to buy every single copy of Grey and dance naked around the subsequent bonfire that would occur and laugh as their grey ashes floated up into the midnight sky, illuminated by the flickering embers of the last remaining shreds of Christian’s words disintegrated. You probably don’t fuck hard, C. You’re probably not very good. And you most definitely try to overcompensate for everything that’s wrong with you in everything you do. I think I’d prefer to read this book with the assistance of a copy of the DSM-V  and assess as I go the myriad of issues wrong with most of the characters in this book. Like a Freudian analysis, only more scientific and less sexual.

Finally, Christian brings her to his playroom – which poor unworldly Ana is astounded to find does not contain an Xbox or anything conventional to play with. She continues to display strong signs of how unsuitable she would be as a sub by completely not understanding why he would want to hit or otherwise inflict pain on her for sexual pleasure. Realistically, notwithstanding the stupidity of the book up until this point, it should’ve ended here, in the playroom devoid of games because ANA DOES NOT ACTUALLY WANT PART OF THIS.

which she reiterates.

By saying ‘this isn’t the sort of relationship I want.’

Curtains should be closing!

The actors should be taking their bows!

The book should have ended because SHES NOT INTERESTED!!!!

Then, oh then, she reveals she is a virgin. And Christian’s world caves in. He brings her to his bedroom and the least sexy sex scene in the world unfolds. He somehow gets her jeans off before her shoes and socks (teach me your secrets because that’s literally not possible) and takes off her jeans again because someone forgot to proofread. Or else she was wearing two pairs of jeans – who knows, really at this stage. He’s horrified that she doesn’t masturbate, despite the fact that she doesn’t seem to know how to do anything else. There’s an entirely unrealistic nipple orgasm paragraph that is so devoid of anything interesting I skipped it, then there’s a series of pages where the only thing he says to himself is FUCK in varying forms of accented font. He takes her bra off even though he hasn’t touched her bra before this, so unless her nipples are outside her bra somehow I’m confused about this too.

Blah blah blah x4 uncomfortable pages and FINALLY END OF THE CHAPTER.

This was far too long. This was ridiculously long. This was so long I almost lost the will to live again. Next horribly unsexy chapter like this will be a video just in case my utter distaste wasn’t clear enough in writing (I think that’s a few chapters from this)

If you’re enjoying this, don’t be afraid to follow me here or let me know in FB comments or in a message on here if there’s anything else you’d like to read me rant about! Next chapter will be up in the next few days.

Edit: No seriously – I’m open and suggestible when it comes to niggling topics and things I like to rant about. Hit me with suggestions!

Have your say!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s