A Series of Exploratory Rants: VIII

I told you I’d be back sooner than usual 

May 23rd, 2011

C: ‘I hope to have a new project: Miss Anastasia Steele.’

Do you ever read a person’s name so much you hate it more than your own? Because that’s what’s happening to me right now. Also, people are not projects, Christian. He goes off on an early morning run blaring O Fortuna of all things – I suppose it’s empowering running music or something – I wouldn’t know, I can barely run for a bus – but it seems a superfluous detail. This chapter seems to be filled with a myriad of pointless email exchanges and focuses on detail that do not seem to be at all necessary in the grand scheme of things. Who signed this book deal? WHO EDITED THIS BOOK? WHY??? The following is a series of ridiculous things I have extracted from the email exchanges, mostly because I cannot, amongst the pages and pages of trivial nonsense, find any sort of plot to comment on:

C: ”Sir’ with a capital S; the girl has been reading, and possibly researching.’

Well, as anyone who has struggled through 50 Shades will know, she really, really, really hasn’t been doing anything of the sort. The girl cannot use Google. She couldn’t use Bing if it installed itself as a default search engine and opened itself seven times every time she turned on her laptop.

C: ‘Laters, baby.’

No. Stop. My eyes.

There is some terrible email flirting and repetitive referring to her as Miss Steele, which if you’ve read my last chapter will know actually causes shivers to run up and down my spine and makes me want to jump out a window.

A: ‘What would you suggest I put into a search engine?’

Well a search topic would be good, Ana. I told ya – even Bing isn’t good enough for this one.

C: ‘Always start with Wikipedia.’

Christian has never been to school, then. First rule of thumb – NEVER TRUST WIKI. EVER. It’s like reading your friend’s cobbled together homework that they wrote while still drunk and expecting it to be all correct.

A: ‘Okay, I”ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you.’

The end! The book is over! Dumbtits came to her senses and decided to run away from the scary controlling man! ….

Oh, no, I’ve just checked, there are many many more pages to go. Fucksake.

The email exchanges end here and Christian is sitting at his desk, dumbfounded that she decided to say no ‘without any discussion’. You know, as though his controlling nature makes perfect sense and that despite all his efforts to get her to check to see what she was letting herself in for, she wasn’t actually supposed to ever say no.

He goes and grabs a tie, some condoms and a bottle of wine (It sounds like the ending of a Keenan and Kel episode but unfortunately is not) and decides she needs to say no to his face. Because no doesn’t mean know in Christian’s head. He couldn’t just eat some ice cream and cry about it for a bit before going for another run and listening to some Oasis or some shit… oh no, he had to actually go to her house to make her prove she doesn’t want him. Someone needs to blow a whistle every time this guy makes an asshatted decision.

C: I’ve never visited any of my previous submissives at their houses before

well C, she’s NOT your sub, is she? She literally, two pages ago, said no to you.



C: ‘Yes. I’m here because of your email.’

No, Christian you are there because you are A DERANGED MOTHERFUCKER!!!

C: ‘I smile with relief because I have her where I want her.’

Tied up and under your control? I’m really really struggling to see how this portrayal of the BDSM community could not be any more wrong. How it could not be any more misleading or horrific. I have no problem with the sexual side of it. The ‘role play’. None of the actual BDSM culture is the problem – it’s passing off abusive and awful as okay that I have an issue with. (Just to be clear).

In response to Kate wondering where Ana is, Christian says the only witty thing I think I’ll ever hear him say

‘She’s a little tied up at the moment.’

That’s it. He’s peaked on the funnies.

When questioned on whether he’s going to help Ana pack up for her move-

C: No way am I going to help. Ana and I don’t have that kind of relationship

Actually, C, you don’t have ANY kind of relationship. At all. She may be tied up in her bedroom but that does not mean you have any sort of relationship, because she said NO. N O.

A: ‘I meant it as a joke.’

It kind of makes me a little sad that she’s back tracking on her no, as in no means no, because he’s essentially bullied her into revoking the choice she’s made..

Ana decides that she still hasn’t made her mind up, and Christian decides it’d be a good idea to introduce her to one of his old subs. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

C: How the hell can she be jealous?

Because she’s inexperienced and is attracted to you and not your lifestyle and therefore doesn’t understand past and current relationships you have with your subs – and not only that, she is upset that you have loads of female friends that you used to bang on a regular basis, but she is not allowed to have another male so much as say hello to her before you’re mentally threatening to murder him.

Good job on the double standards, Christian. You moron.

Ana decides to kick him out of her house and he is mortally wounded. He cannot understand why she’d want him to leave.

C: ‘Her petulance is irritating, and were she truly mine, it would not be tolerated’

People are not objects!!!

He is bewildered and wounded as he leaves her house. Poor fellow.

C: For the first time, I feel a little used, for sex

Gosh golly, I wonder what that’s like?

He sends her another ridiculous email about the contract she originally said no to, and he sits down to read again. I think that’s all he can do at the end of chapters. Settle down with a book to read.


I don’t know how many chapters are in this book but I’m hoping there’s only like two more left or something cause jaysus, they’re like torture of the worst kind.


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