Pretty Little Liars Season 7: Fast Episode Recap S7E1

happyPretty Little Liars came back with a bang this week – a bang I wasn’t expecting and literally jumped for joy when I saw that the episode was available on Netflix. I had completely forgotten what happened in Season 6b, hadn’t a clue where we’d left off and the episode started with no recap, which was unhelpful. I struggled for the first few minutes to catch up, which wasn’t fun and ruined the first few drama-filled minutes of the episode.

 

So.

 

Without further ado, I’d like to introduce my newest blog segment, called Fast Episode Recap, where I will fly through a recap of every episode of Pretty Little Liars Season 7 with the sort of breakneck speeds expected of the man that reads the disclaimers at the end of American medication/surgery commercials, except in bullet points and a bit slower so you actually know what it says. Are you ready?

Here we go.

S7E1:

  • Aria, Spencer and Emily are digging, stepping on shovels in wedged sneakers and still looking fab despite dirt.
  • Foreshadowing happens, we are led to assume Hanna is dead
  • Spencer says ‘when it ends up like this, it’s called first-degree murder’
  • OPENING CREDITS
  • Flashback to four days earlier: Caleb, Toby, Spencer, Mona, Ezra, Emily and Aria rush toward the police station because Hanna is missing.
  • The gang see the ghost of Jessica DiLaurentis who was dug up from Spencer’s back garden several seasons before and Toby talks to her, somehow gets it out of her that she’s Mary Drake, Jessica’s twin sister of course.
  • The gang get texts from A 4.0 lost count of the number of As at this point aka A.D. telling them in easily decipherable code that Hanna is in the bell tower.
  • They see her body hanging the way Ian Thomas did back in Season Bubleyboo, pull her down, realise she’s dead OMG
  • Realise she’s not dead actually got worried for a second and it’s a mask covering a doll and the doll has a message (‘You’ve got 24 hours to give me Charlotte’s real killer or Hanna dies’ what is with the creepy doll obsession?)
  • Gang spring into action by wasting a lot of time speculating whodunnit, everyone thinks Charlotte killer is either Alison, Spencer or Mona. They’ve only got 24 hours!
  • Aria and Ezra recall seeing Alison or Charlotte wearing a red jacket on the night Charlotte died;’red jacket’ is said a lot.
  • Turns out Hanna is alive and in her underwear in a storage container but of course
  • Hanna endures physical torture of the sort that should have her in therapy until the end of time but that’s not the sort of thing that gets you admitted to psychiatric hospital in this show so it’s beside the point, apparently
  • Caleb, Spencer, Toby and Mona team up and track Mary Drake. Mona hears MD speaking to someone who has a British accent foreshadowing, much?
  • Emily  goes to visit Alison in hospital and spills her guts to Elliot great move, you soft eejit.
  • Elliot insists Alison has ‘suffered a complete psychotic break’, and right on cue Alison has a well-timed episode of some kind, is restrained using soft restraints and injected with sedatives  First semi-realistic representation of mental illness care for seriously ill patients I’ve ever seen in this show
  • Toby and Spencer search MD’s room in the Lost Woods Resort, find loads of books, flirt a lot, concede MD has learned a lot of languages for fun, assume she is A.D., aka ‘Uber A’. German joke probably wasted, weak as it was. Discover she flew to Philly just before Charlotte was killed
  • Aria and Ezra let themselves into Ali’s house, find nothing but almost get caught snooping by Ali’s weird husband -ish boyfriend, they were married three seconds  –CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC – but they get away
  • Caleb and Mona are trailing MD, note she’s buying ‘everything you need to cover up a murder’ why do they know this? jump to conclusions and assume she’s off to kill Hanna
  • More forever-scarring torture for Hanna
  • MD leads Caleb and Mona on an hours-long wild goose chase before she stops into Spencer’s for tea. Caleb warns her far too late. Nobody in this show does anything in a timely manner.
  • Emily tries to find out stuff from an unconscious Ali, Ali wakes and says she killed Charlotte surely that’d be series over forever, then?
  • Spencer and MD have Vaguely Threatening Weirdly Informative chats. MD is weird, you guys. WEIRD.
  • Hanna has some sort of weird prophecy dream where Spencer tells her how to get out of the storage unit. As you do.
  • Aria reminisces about the time she met Ezra in a bar underage for the first time and runs back to his house I’m cool with it now that she’s an adult, but COME ON
  • Emily takes Ali’s house keys and goes back to her house, searches through her stuff, remembers a time they made out lots, finds THE RED JACKET, goes back to the gang
  • Hanna wakes up and suddenly knows how to leave the storage container. Must be nice having Spencer as your guardian angel?
  • Caleb takes the jacket and runs while the rest of them hum and haw about what to do, drops it at the Lost Woods Resort
  • Hanna runs through the forest in her underwear, flags a car down by screaming and waving… who could be in the car but MD! literally never been more unsurprised by a plot twist although we know that Hanna doesn’t know that MD isn’t Jessica DiLaurentis so that could be interesting
  • Elliot injects Ali with sedatives again, suddenly has British accent ah the foreshadowing, insists he knows she killed Charlotte and that she’s spending her life rotting away in hospital.
  • <END>

 

Was it fast and snarky enough? Did I leave out anything? Let me know in the comments below what you’d like to see in future recaps!

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