Anyone who’s a Fall Out Boy fan will remember 2009. Anyone who wasn’t, what happened, in a nutshell, was that they went on hiatus.
And that, dear readers, is what I’m here to tell you I’m doing.
I’m going on hiatus for a bit.
Maybe a bit longer than a bit.
I’m not actually sure how long for.
I started back in college last week and whooo boy, that has been tough. Anyone who’s been reading since last year will probably know that I deferred the year and went to hospital and have since been working my ass off to get myself into mental (and physical) shape to go back. What I’ve really learned in the last year is that BPD and rapid-cycling bipolar don’t really allow for the ‘right’ mental state. Anxiety definitely does not allow for the ‘right’ mental state. Coping with grief does not allow for the ‘right’ mental state. All of these things hit me like a tonne of bricks at the end of last week and beginning of this week. I am much stronger, much more capable and much better than I was this time last year. I find it hard to imagine myself a year ago because it’s so hard to look back. I’ve done so much this year and will continue to do so.
Last night I wanted to drop out of college. This morning I wanted to drop out of college. When the pieces of the puzzle don’t fit together, I sometimes want to throw away the whole jigsaw. When that happens, I take a step back. I take a nap. I have a shower. I reassess. This year has involved a lot of work – more work than I was probably meant to do in a therapeutic sense – but I gained perspective, drive, and ambition that I’ve never had before. I’ve gained friends and gotten support from amazing people. I’ve written some things that people have really liked and that have really resonated with people – which is great! But until I get my head around starting back in college and the things I still need to iron out, something’s gotta give. That means temporarily dropping some of the juggling balls until I’m able to pick them up again. If something appeals to me enough to write fervently about it, I’ll do it.
Third year is going to thunder by with all the force and velocity of a steam engine, and I have to keep running to keep up. I’ll be back, though, and I’ll see all of y’all on the flip side. Thanks for reading!